NBA Finals Split-Face Ad Anticipation: Pins and Needles! Pins and Needles!

Frankly, it's come to be one of our most anticipated moments at the outset of each new NBA playoff series (/keys covered with the drippings of sarcasm). So, now, as the Celtics prepare for game six in Detroit and a chance to punch their ticket for the NBA Finals, we sit on pins and needles. Because we know it's coming. Soon. We can almost taste it...

That's right. The debut of the next NBA "split-face" ad. You know, those strangely alluring (and now totally played out) television commercials that only manage to creep you out with their meticulously synced facial motions and voices. Well, pretty soon we get a brand, spanking new one.

With the Celts the proverbial favorite to eventually take the East, the smart money is probably on that Bryant guy and KG or Pierce as the next incredibly edited faces of the NBA. Regardless, we're hoping against hope for the combo above.

The idea of the current NBA creative with Sam "The Alien" Cassell and Pau "Bushman" Gasol is at once thrilling, harrowing and rather amusing. But, alas, there can be only one...

Note: Yes, I am fully aware of my completely lacking Photoshop skills. You get the idea, though.

The NBA Conference Finals Have Arrived! Yaaaaawn.

Maybe it's just me. Perhaps the die-hards out there are loving every minute of this NBA postseason. Surely for them there must be drama and beauty unfolding that is somehow hidden from the eyes of the typical fan.

Because, frankly, I'm a pretty typical NBA fan. Not obsessive, though far from "casual." Somewhere in between. And I'm bored stiff. Granted, the only teams I had any rooting interest in have been bounced (Cleveland and New Orleans)...and the one team I can't stand keeps trucking along...plus one of my least favorite superstars is quite possibly heading directly towards yet another ego-rocketing personal triumph...

Aside from all of that, am I the only one who has zero interest in what transpires between now and the NBA Finals? Don't get me wrong, I'll likely tune in for the second half of tonight's Spurs/Lakeshow affair. Maybe I'll flip over to a game six or game seven as the conference finals progress should either or both of the series extend that far. But, generally speaking, there's nothing about this final four that gets me excited.

Furthermore, the NBA playoffs themselves feel like a huge letdown, no? I remember a few years back when the 2008 playoffs were about to begin how fired up I was (for once) about the NBA. It felt like a postseason that promised competitive basketball, exciting teams and, most importantly, great games. Not to mention dynamic players and personalities, juicy potential storylines. Uhhh, guess not.

The Suns fizzled out. No end-to-end action. No Nash. No Shaq-led resurgence. The Cavs somehow forced the Celtics to a game 7, but the games were painful to watch and, despite LeBron's final performance and poster dunk, King James didn't elevate to that "next level" and carry the Craptastic Cavs all the way back to the finals (although, really, how could he?). Dallas and Denver barely showed up. Toronto was...Toronto. Orlando tried hard. The Sixers were a nice story for a few nights. And the list of patently uninspiring happenings goes on and on.

Now, we're left with a thoroughly unwatchable Boston-Detroit series that will certainly go seven games if for no other reason than to drag out the slow and melancholy story that is the 2008 NBA Playoffs. In the West, neither prospect is particularly palatable: relentless praise showered upon Kobe on the heels of his first MVP and a trip back to the Finals sans The Diesel, or the Spurs, again. They of the great fundamentals, "scrappy play," know-how-to-win-ism and veteran savvy. Gag me with a spoon.

But, luckily, with the Mets consistently proving their inherent mediocrity and the Knicks are poised to leap back into contention by 2020. So I at least have nothing to look forward to...which is nice. Oh, wait there's the Jets! Riiight.

Is anybody else feeling what I'm feeling?

Anyone Remember This LeBron James Character?

First things first. I can find no fault in anyone selecting Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul or LeBron James as NBA MVP. Apparently, the Lakers star will have the award bestowed upon him later today (nothing like suspense, eh?).

Many in the basketball know unequivocally tag Kobe as the best player in the NBA. He may very well be. You also can't question those who are putting their support behind Chris Paul.

The MVP thing is a bit of "who's hot today." There's also the age-old question of the true meaning of that mysterious word "valuable." It's been debated since the days of the Roman gladiators and continues to divide civilizations (and sports fans) to this day.

All that said, here's our only issue. LeBron James seems to have disappeared from the discussion of late. Completely. While there are probably countless reasons, part of it is that he is so good, so soon, that expectations of his play are fairly out-of-whack. Accordingly, there has been a bit of sentiment that LeBron has not been at the very top of his game. Fair enough. Let's assume that's true. It really shouldn't matter...in a way.

Here's what I mean, and the real crux of my beef with LeBron's fading out of the race (although we'll see how far he faded, or if, later today). I take the traditional view of valuable in the sense of "how would this team be without this player's contributions." As I mentioned back in early February, the Cavs are borderline awful without LeBron. Now, that particular post was written at a time when Eric Snow, Donyell Marshall and Ira Newble were getting mad run. Granted, things have changed slightly.

But, still, who's LeBron's running mate? Wally Szczerbiak? Ilgauskas? Boobie Gibson? Please, people. CP3 has fellow All-Star David West by his side with New Orleans. West poured in 30 points and grabbed nine boards in game one against the defending champs. Kobe has Gasol, Fisher, Odom, and a significantly more talented supporting cast right down the line (than does LeBron).

Take away Paul, James or Bryant from any of their respective teams and the results would be frightening. That's a given. However, without James, the team in Cleveland is startlingly poor. He carries that team. He carries that franchise. In many ways, he carries that city. It doesn't mean he should definitely be the MVP, but he still certainly deserves to be in the conversation. That's alls we're sayin...

Fixing Annoying Team Nicknames

What is Rays? A diner? An auto shop? A barbershop?

I saw that Tampa Bay is tied for 1st in the AL East, and I wanted to write something nice about them. But then I remembered that changed their names from the Devil Rays to the Rays this year and I just couldn't do it.

There are a lot of teams whose nicknames make a lot of sense. Pittsburgh is the steel city, so hence the Steelers. The New York Islanders play on Long Island. Milwaukee is known for its beer, and their baseball team is appropriately called the Brewers. We like names like these, it's nice when they make sense. Some other teams names don't make as much sense, but it's okay because they are either menacing or kind of cool. As far as we know, there's no correlation between New Jersey and the devil, but the Devils have a good fierce nickname. Who wants to f*** with the devil?

For the most part teams nicknames add something, however, there are some team nicknames that bring nothing to the table. They don't make any sense, they don't sound tough, and they're not even kind of cool. They do nothing but irritate. Why have these names not been changed? Maybe it's because they don't know what to change the names to. We're here to help. Teams with unacceptable nicknames can be broken down into three categories, teams that moved, teams that gave in to political correct bs, and MLS teams. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have their own place in the hall of asinine team names, a place that can't be bound by categories, but don't get me started on them.

Teams That Moved Cities But Kept The Nickname. Listen, a lot of these nicknames can only work in the city they originated. It's bad enough to steal a franchise, don't steal the nickname too. Could the 76'ers play in Phoenix? Would the 49'ers make sense anywhere but San Francisco?


Current Name, Utah Jazz: It made perfect sense when they were in New Orleans. Tons of Jazz in the Big Easy. I'm not sure they even know what Jazz is in Utah.
New Name, Utah Salt: This name isn't very tough, but it references The Great Salt Lake and it gives a more accurate portrayal of Utah's racial makeup.

Current Name, Los Angeles Lakers: Tons of lakes in Minnesota, somewhere on the upward of 10,000 I'm told. In LA? Not quite as many.
New Name, Los Angeles Gangstas: Is L.A. know more for its gangstas or its lakes? The bonus here is the merchandising. Gangsta gear would fly off the shelves.

Current Name, Memphis Grizzlies: It made sense in Vancouver. I've never been, but I'm sure there are tons of grizzly bears running around there. A grizzly bear would stand out in Memphis.
New Name, Memphis Miracles: It rolls off the tongue, and it captures the spirit of the team. It would take a miracle if that team was ever any good.



Teams That Gave In To Political Correctness: A team's nickname is its image. You can't go changing it just because it offends a few people. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.


Current Name, Washington Wizards: There are no wizards in DC. Did The Bullets really have that terrible an affect on the city? I'm sure all of D.C.'s crime woes are rooted in the former name of their basketball team. In fact since the name change, the streets of D.C. are the safest in the world. The Bullets made so much more sense for Washington than the Wizards do.
New Name, Washington Jeffersons: Hey it's the Presidential city. They love Thomas Jefferson in these parts. Plus, hours of promotional material taken from "The Jeffersons" would be classic.


Current Name, Tampa Bay Rays: Was Devil Rays so bad? Has there been a rise in satanic cults in Tampa Bay? Aren't they now obligated to have at least 5 guys named Ray on their roster at all times?
New Name, Tampa Bay Rascals: I don't know about you, but when I think of Tampa Bay two things come to mind, strip clubs and old people. If they can't handle a name with Devil in it, then I don't think they'll buy into a strip club related name. But rascals would be perfect for the elderly. They could have rascal give aways at games.


Current Name, Stanford Cardinal: Until 1972 they were the Stanford Indians, not bad. Now they are the Cardinal and their mascot is a tree.
New Name, Stanford Hippie Beaters: What better way to rise the ire of their rivals across the Bay in Berkley? That'll get the lefties at Cal buzzing.


Current Name, Miami (OH) RedHawks: They were the Redskins for over 60 years, but folded when the Miami Tribe urged them to change their name.
New Name, Miami (OH) Hurrikane: Just like their counterparts in Florida, but with a 'k' instead of a 'c.' They could do it just to confuse the crap out of everybody.


MLS Teams: MLS teams get their own category because they blatantly rip off names from well known soccer teams across the pond.


Current Name, DC United: You are ripping off the name of one of the most popular soccer teams in the world, Manchester United. This is crap. How would we feel about The Berlin Yankees or the Madrid Red Sox?
New Name, DC Scandals: It makes sense. They could have promotions involved getting serviced by interns or in airport men's rooms.

Current Name, FC Dallas: You are not FC Barcelona. We call it soccer here, so you're not even really a FC (and that goes for you to, Toronto FC) at all. You're more of a SC.
New Name, Dallas Floppers: Soccer players flop and I'm cool with it. It's part of the fabric of the game. But I'll be damned if it isn't a dirtball move.


Current Name, Real Salt Lake: Yes, we've heard of Real Madrid also. Did everyone in this league just pick their favorite European soccer team and copy their name?
New Name, Real FC Salt Lake United Milan: They might as well go all the way and rip off multiple teams at the same time. Isn't polygamy cool in Utah?


Current Name, Chivas USA: This name does not give me the information I require. Where is Chivas USA? Where do they play their games? I don't even know what state this team is out of. A little help here?
New Name: Anything that indicates where the hell this team is from.

LeBron Is The Tits

LeBron goes left against 3 Lakers, giving the Cavs the lead

After watching the end of this afternoon's Lakers/Cavs game, I officially turned the page from football season to LeBron season (yes, the Super Bowl is next week, but if you aren't a Patriots or Giants fan, isn't it a bitter bitter game to watch? I'll watch it, but I'll be pissed the entire game). I turned the Cavs game on sometime in the third quarter, but flipped back and forth between the game and Ghostbusters until crunch-time. I was not following LeBron season at that moment, because he hadn't revealed that it had started yet.


With the clock winding down in the fourth quarter, The Choosen One let me know that it is time to start following LeBron season. He was locked in a head-to-head battle with Mr. Kobe Bean Bryant in The Staples Center, and the Cavs had battled back from 7 down earlier in the quarter.


The Cavs took the lead as Bron sliced through the the lane with using his left hand and laid it off the glass with 1:16 left. The Cavs were still up one at 94-93, when the King took Kobe one-on-one with a quick, indefensible jump shot from a step inside the three point line with 20 seconds left. The Cavs would need this cushion, because of a quick Lakers score and a wild melee after a Larry Hughes inbounds turnover (Daniel Gibson fell down on the play).


Somehow the Cavs came away with the ball and their one point lead in tact after the craziness, and Bron-Bron got fouled. Despite Lebron's maddening tendency to brick clutch free throws, he drained them both (maybe a new wrinkle in his game?), and the Lakers got the ball back with 9 seconds left. His Excellency led the defensive charge from there, and the Lakers didn't even get a shot off.


Basically LeBron took over the game and beat "the best player in the NBA" in the process. LeBron 41 points, Kobe Bean 33. Cavs: 98, Lakers: 95. If I sound like an unapologetic homer, it's because I am. The Cavs have won 10 of their last 12, and I'm damn glad that LeBron season is back. I am a Witness.

Hey Bulls Fans, We Feel Your Pain. Want Curry Back?

For two of the nation's biggest markets, NBA basketball has become painful to watch. In a scenario that seemed far from likely only a few months ago, the Los Angeles Lakers are the lone member of the big three managing to hold their own.

Instead of a facing the fallout of a departed Kobe and potential "rebuilding," the Lake show is red-hot and the Kobe-Bynum marriage is the stuff of fairytale (at least for now).

Who would've thought at this point in the season that David Stern would be indebted to Kobe? Because, in the meantime, the marquee brands of the midwest and east regions are stinking up their respective joints. The Knicks and Bulls, two of the NBA's most storied franchises and among the largest potential revenue-generators based on fan bases, have managed to combine for 18 wins this season (one less than the Lakers).

And while the Knicks franchise debacle has been well-publicized by the NY press, the swift and less predictable demise of our midwestern brethren is perhaps even more gut-wrenching to fans (honestly, what self-respecting Knicks fan went into the season with Isiah at the helm and was thinking playoffs?).

So, in part to make our own NBA woes seem a little more palpable, we decided to take a walk inside the shoes of a Chicago Bulls fan in 2007. To understand their pain, one must consider the expectations nary a few months back. The following were predictions from an esteemed panel of ESPN experts back on October 30 when asked who would win the Central (the Bulls garnered 10 votes, Detroit followed with seven).

Henry Abbott, ESPN.com's TrueHoop: I think this could be Chicago's year in the East.

John Hollinger, ESPN.com: Young, talented and tenacious. Even without Kobe, the Bulls might be the class of the East.

Chris Palmer, ESPN Mag: Built similar to Detroit, the Bulls' superior tenacity and hunger finally makes them king of the Central once again.

Jalen Rose, ESPN: A team more geared for 82 games than Detroit. Deng's the most underrated player in the league.

David Thorpe, Scouts Inc.: Team should start off with more confidence than it had at this point last season, and the Bulls can still guard people. The rookies will deepen their bench, and Deng should emerge as one of the best players in the Central.

It hurts just to read it, and I'm a Knicks fan. Fast-forward to today and here's what the diehards are saying:

Blog a Bull: "Boylan, during a WSCR interview, indicated that Ben Gordon will be benched in favor of Chris Duhon. No word on the rest of the starting lineup, but I consider it indication to now give up on the season until Gordon's traded. Thanks, Bulls, for the heads up!"

Thank You Isiah: In a post entitled "How Long Until Spring Training," the folks at TYI offer the following:

"Kill me. Now...I mean, honestly! Are they serious???!!! You fire Skiles, talk about changing the rotation and then...start Duhon?!! If they think that'll help solve this team's problems, why didn't they give Skiles a 10-year extension? It was his bright idea to begin with. I ask you, what is the opposite of 'vision?'"

Yes, Bulls fans, we know of the difficulty in grasping a concept as amorphous as vision. Our fearless leader struggles with the notion as well. Believe it or not, we're not in any way trying to pile on at the expense of Bulls fans. Honestly, it's just that sometimes it feels good to know there are others who can empathize with one's situation. Bulls fans, we feel your pain. Only we face a slightly different dilemma. If we bench all the players who aren't showing up to the arena, we won't have enough players to field a starting five.

Here's to a happier New Year, although by that we mean 2009.