San Antonio is Spurring My Intense Hatred

Nobody Likes You People

First off, the NBA Playoffs are pretty solid. I thoroughly enjoy them. The first round has fallen a bit short in terms of overall competitiveness, but round two is shaping up rather nicely.

Being that the team I traditionally waste time cheering for is an abortion, I find myself watching the games as an interested but "non-affiliated" spectator. I want that to change. I'm begging for love. I'm looking for some team to sweep me off my feet and capture my fervent loyalty for the next month-plus (by the way, could they possibly drag out the playoffs any more?). The early favorites are certainly the Chris Paul-led Hornets or, perhaps, the Cleveland LeBron James.

But here's one thing we do know. Our current favorite playoff squad is ANYONE FACING THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS. While we are not yet clear on the most likeable squad of this year's postseason, we're unwavering in our belief that the Spurs are clearly the most detestable.

At first, I thought perhaps it was just that little bug inside each and every sports fan that simply yearns for change, for newness, for surprise. I was just sick of the Spurs. Bored really. Right? That's why they suddenly seemed so unappealing. That's why I was finding myself actively rooting against them.

That's what I kept telling myself. But, after watching this team play again and again, I've realized that...at the bottom of my gut...with every inch of me...I plain, straight hate the San Antonio Spurs.

It all came to a boiling point last night. After months of watching The Duncan Face
time after ridiculously annoying time...after too many flops and dramatic falls from touch fouls deserving of Academy Award nominations...after the 750th reminder that Bruce Bowen continues to be a cheap and dirty player...I just...can't...take it...any...more!

During last night's game five in San Antonio, Tim Duncan and Tony Parker drew fouls that were perhaps the most ridiculous I've seen all season (maybe ever?). The refs should be ashamed of themselves. In both instances, neither Parker or Duncan was touched by a member of the Phoenix Suns. But yet, in typical whiny-bitch-Spurs fashion, they both went careening to the floor, arms flailing while simultaneously throwing trademark incredulous look in the direction of the referees as if they had been stabbed in broad daylight. And that's all before we even broach the hack-a-shaq topic.

Play the game, fellas. The Spurs-lovers (hard to believe they exist) will claim that somehow this hatred is born out of jealousy. They will say that the Spurs simply "play hard" are "fundamentally sound" and "know how to win." I say go f yourselves. Between Duncan, Ginobli, Parker and Bowen I couldn't think of a finer team to root against. They are a bunch of whining, flopping cry babies, which is all we can really say on this here blog without veering off into an expletive-laced tirade (OK, Spurs fans insert your "who've won four championships blahblahblah).

So, here's to our new favorite team, the New Orleans Hornets. Let's hope we don't have to find another new favorite team in a few weeks, because that would mean those bastard Spurs would still be alive.

Olympians Worth Watching: Our Hottest Hopefuls

A.J. Feeley Gets (correction: got) to Put his Mitts All Over This Olympian. Bastard.

With all the protests going on surrounding the Olympics, including issues of civil rights, labor and the environment, we thought it was time for us all to take a collective chill. And what better way to do that than with what always strangely seems to appeal to the typical reader of this and other sports blogs - hot chicks.

As we "prepare" for the August Olympic games, we thought it our patriotic duty to remind our readers of the very best athletes we have heading to Beijing to compete. They also happen to rate highly on the "we wouldn't mind-playing in or on the sand/water/court with her" scale.

Without further delay...a few of the ladies we've deemed "ones to watch" across a wide range of summer Olympic sports. As always, we welcome your thoughtful consideration and suggestions in the comments (stay classy, LCG readers).

Basketball
The lady hoopsters have fared better than the men in recent Olympiads. We also find them infinitely more pleasant to look at than Shawn Marion. We'd go with the following in our starting lineup.

Sue Bird: A perennial WNBA All-Star, she also volunteered to be spanked by a radio host if she did not have better than a 2:1 assist-to-turnover ratio. Need we say more?

Candace Parker: While Swin Cash may have more of the fashionista look, nothing's hotter than a good-looking gal who can drain jumpers in your grill and also throw down a jam. Oh yea, and she happens to be the best player in college basketball.

What's that? Oh, perhaps she can rock that runway look as well.

Soccer
Few teams in sports have had a run like the U.S. Women's National team. They won something like 80 in a row before losing to...oh, who cares. Heather Mitts is on the team...and we think Hope Solo may also make the squad. Although not our cup o' tea, Natasha Kai rocks some sexy ink as well.

Hope & Heather

Softball
Booo-ring.

Yes, we all know Jenny Finch. Personally, she doesn't bowl me over, and I actually think she looks sexier in uniform. Call me crazy.

Maybe, now that their ridiculous run is sort of over, there can be a renewed focus on putting the next class of hot pitchers on the mound? May we submit an early candidate? HT to Winning the Turnover Battle for their suggestion of young UCLA phenom Whitney Baker. Wow, read that whole post again. Remember when Allison Stokke was "new news?" Crazy. Perhaps if we're still blogging in another four years, we can include Allison and Whitney in such a post.

Swimming
Yes, we are proceeding in alphabetical order. While several of the U.S. National Team may be befitting of FHM body shots, the LCG has slightly higher standards. So, we'd like to recognize the reigning champ and one of the less-heralded women of the water.

Amanda Beard


Natalie Coughlin

Ms. Coughlin may not have the "body of work" of Beard, but she's got more medals (2 golds, 2 silvers and a bronze in Athens back in 2004). She also got her BA in Psychology from the Berkeley, which makes her even a little hotter. For those curious, Beard attended the University of Arizona...sometimes things just seem to make perfect sense.

Oh yes, lest we forget the synchronized swimming team. We'll leave the analysis to you.

Tennis
When it comes to the little fuzzy yellow ball, we can't really figure out how this whole thing really works. About all we do know is that a few of the world's top players will be in Beijing. In this case, we American-o's probably have nothing on the world in terms of the loveliness of our ladies. Zippo. Nada. Particularly not when compared to our our favorite be-stamped Serbian who will surely be making the China trip if she remains as hot (literally and figuratively; currently #2 in the world). And since this is not doing it for us, we're cheating on this Olympic sport. Sure, she's only #63 in the world and doesn't have a shot in heck to get to Athens (or likely any future Olympic games) but just go with it...Ashley will turn 23 this Friday, by the way. Don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.

Ashley Harkleroad

Track & Field
The list of ladies track and field Olympians is sure to be long. We narrowed it down to a few standouts.

LaTasha Colander
Colander snagged a gold medal in 2000, before somebody had to spoil it for everybody


Amy Acuff
Amy does high jump...or somethng.

Volleyball
Last but not least, we head to the women of the net. We'd like to end such a post with something like this, but, alas, we must keep it to the red, white and blue which means...I guess this shot will do (isn't what they can do with photos amazing? have never seen her look this good).

Misti May-Treanor

That's all we got. Someone should really take this assignment on at a global level, because there is Olympic gold-medal-worthy talent out there that needs to be exposed. Also, our apologies if we're off on naming any of these ladies as Olympians in error (besides the intentional inclusion of Ashley). We're going off the resources currently at our disposal. More importantly, can someone explain why Amber Stachowski is no longer listed on our water polo team roster?!

"Boston Sucks! Boston Sucks!"

How often do sports fans get to chant something as fun as "Boston Sucks, Boston Sucks!" in their sportsfan lives? For us folks in Phatlanta, it ain't very often. Granted, the Celtics are more than capable of destroying the Hawks over the course of the next two (and hopefully three) games. But when an 8 seed under .500 backdoors into the playoffs and twice takes down the team with the league's best record to tie a playoff series, the fans can chant whatever they want until the next game tips.

I was in the "Highlight Factory" (cartoonishly- lame nickname, but lots of fun) last night with 20,000 rabid fans, and the only sporting events where I've had more fun have all been Georgia football games that we weren't supposed to win, and they were all enhanced by a belly full of Wild Turkey. At the very least, last night was the best professional sporting event I've ever been to by a huge margin.

Player of the night?

Well Josh Smith got it for Saturday's game...


...and he was awesome again last night with 28 points shooting 50% from the field (6 of his 8 missed field goals were 3's - nothing like the double edged sword of a guy like Smith making a bunch of 3's in one game and thinking he's Steve Kerr in the next), 12-13 at the line, 6 boards (hard to get rebounds when Al Horford wants them all), 2 assists and SEVEN blocks. Smith is extremely frustrating for a fan due to his at times awful decision-making on the court, but his potential has no ceiling whatsoever. He's showing that along with his talent and freakish athleticism, he's got huge balls and wants to play in big big games.

But it's gotta be Joe Johnson, right?


His 20 point 4th quarter was what the Hawks needed to hang on. Is he a superstar? Not quite, but he's at least a star, right? At this point he's somewhere in between. The trade to acquire him has been extremely controversial. The ownership's legal battles stem directly from Steve Belkin's (Celts fan, btw, "BOSTON SUCKS!") opposition to the move, and the ownership's legal battles are killing this franchise the most. No GM or coach wants to work for the Atlanta Spirit, and I can't blame them. But at the end of the day, we only gave up Boris Diaw and two first round picks (one was a middle to late pick that the Suns ditched for cash, and the other will be a middle round pick this year) to get JJ. Thanks to lottery luck, it's turned out to be incredibly lopsided, and last night was a heavy dose of reassuranace that Billy Knight did the right thing in getting him from the Suns. Any team that wants to be legit needs a guy that can take over and win a game all by himself, and every now and then Joe Johnson can do that. Last night he did, in a big way.

But I'm gonna give the game ball to the guy that went 0-1 with 2 rebounds and 3 personal fouls in 11 minutes. One of those personal fouls was the play of the game, and maybe the play of the series if it leads to some suspensions. Atlanta has proven they can beat the Celtics at home. Maybe without KG on the floor the Hawks can steal a win in Boston???? Maybe????



15 seconds in KG skakes off the ref (as shown in the pic at the top), and that might be enough to get him suspended for a game. Zaza probably would too if KG gets the hook, and Marvin Williams and Kendrick Perkins technically should as well as both of them stepped on the floor during the minor fracas. I'll do a KG+Perkins for Zaza+Marvin swap any day of the week.

Even short of suspensions the Hawks are playing with brazen attitudes, and Zaza's shennanigans are a perfect example of the lack of respect they're showing Boston. They have nothing to lose, why not be obnoxious and try to get in the other team's head? I thought there'd be payback after Horford's taunting of "lil' pee pee" on Saturday...



...but instead it looks like it's working in Atlanta's favor. KG, Pierce and Cassell talk tremendous amount of smack and the young Hawks are just returning the favor.

Disrespectful? Yes. Unwarranted? Probably so. Effective? So far, big yes. I don't expect another win in this series, but I didn't expect wins in the last two games, either, so what the heck do I know?

I do know that if I get to chant "Boston Sucks!" again on Friday night it just might be following the biggest moment in Atlanta sports history. And even if I don't, at least I got to chant it last night.

Fixing Annoying Team Nicknames

What is Rays? A diner? An auto shop? A barbershop?

I saw that Tampa Bay is tied for 1st in the AL East, and I wanted to write something nice about them. But then I remembered that changed their names from the Devil Rays to the Rays this year and I just couldn't do it.

There are a lot of teams whose nicknames make a lot of sense. Pittsburgh is the steel city, so hence the Steelers. The New York Islanders play on Long Island. Milwaukee is known for its beer, and their baseball team is appropriately called the Brewers. We like names like these, it's nice when they make sense. Some other teams names don't make as much sense, but it's okay because they are either menacing or kind of cool. As far as we know, there's no correlation between New Jersey and the devil, but the Devils have a good fierce nickname. Who wants to f*** with the devil?

For the most part teams nicknames add something, however, there are some team nicknames that bring nothing to the table. They don't make any sense, they don't sound tough, and they're not even kind of cool. They do nothing but irritate. Why have these names not been changed? Maybe it's because they don't know what to change the names to. We're here to help. Teams with unacceptable nicknames can be broken down into three categories, teams that moved, teams that gave in to political correct bs, and MLS teams. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have their own place in the hall of asinine team names, a place that can't be bound by categories, but don't get me started on them.

Teams That Moved Cities But Kept The Nickname. Listen, a lot of these nicknames can only work in the city they originated. It's bad enough to steal a franchise, don't steal the nickname too. Could the 76'ers play in Phoenix? Would the 49'ers make sense anywhere but San Francisco?


Current Name, Utah Jazz: It made perfect sense when they were in New Orleans. Tons of Jazz in the Big Easy. I'm not sure they even know what Jazz is in Utah.
New Name, Utah Salt: This name isn't very tough, but it references The Great Salt Lake and it gives a more accurate portrayal of Utah's racial makeup.

Current Name, Los Angeles Lakers: Tons of lakes in Minnesota, somewhere on the upward of 10,000 I'm told. In LA? Not quite as many.
New Name, Los Angeles Gangstas: Is L.A. know more for its gangstas or its lakes? The bonus here is the merchandising. Gangsta gear would fly off the shelves.

Current Name, Memphis Grizzlies: It made sense in Vancouver. I've never been, but I'm sure there are tons of grizzly bears running around there. A grizzly bear would stand out in Memphis.
New Name, Memphis Miracles: It rolls off the tongue, and it captures the spirit of the team. It would take a miracle if that team was ever any good.



Teams That Gave In To Political Correctness: A team's nickname is its image. You can't go changing it just because it offends a few people. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.


Current Name, Washington Wizards: There are no wizards in DC. Did The Bullets really have that terrible an affect on the city? I'm sure all of D.C.'s crime woes are rooted in the former name of their basketball team. In fact since the name change, the streets of D.C. are the safest in the world. The Bullets made so much more sense for Washington than the Wizards do.
New Name, Washington Jeffersons: Hey it's the Presidential city. They love Thomas Jefferson in these parts. Plus, hours of promotional material taken from "The Jeffersons" would be classic.


Current Name, Tampa Bay Rays: Was Devil Rays so bad? Has there been a rise in satanic cults in Tampa Bay? Aren't they now obligated to have at least 5 guys named Ray on their roster at all times?
New Name, Tampa Bay Rascals: I don't know about you, but when I think of Tampa Bay two things come to mind, strip clubs and old people. If they can't handle a name with Devil in it, then I don't think they'll buy into a strip club related name. But rascals would be perfect for the elderly. They could have rascal give aways at games.


Current Name, Stanford Cardinal: Until 1972 they were the Stanford Indians, not bad. Now they are the Cardinal and their mascot is a tree.
New Name, Stanford Hippie Beaters: What better way to rise the ire of their rivals across the Bay in Berkley? That'll get the lefties at Cal buzzing.


Current Name, Miami (OH) RedHawks: They were the Redskins for over 60 years, but folded when the Miami Tribe urged them to change their name.
New Name, Miami (OH) Hurrikane: Just like their counterparts in Florida, but with a 'k' instead of a 'c.' They could do it just to confuse the crap out of everybody.


MLS Teams: MLS teams get their own category because they blatantly rip off names from well known soccer teams across the pond.


Current Name, DC United: You are ripping off the name of one of the most popular soccer teams in the world, Manchester United. This is crap. How would we feel about The Berlin Yankees or the Madrid Red Sox?
New Name, DC Scandals: It makes sense. They could have promotions involved getting serviced by interns or in airport men's rooms.

Current Name, FC Dallas: You are not FC Barcelona. We call it soccer here, so you're not even really a FC (and that goes for you to, Toronto FC) at all. You're more of a SC.
New Name, Dallas Floppers: Soccer players flop and I'm cool with it. It's part of the fabric of the game. But I'll be damned if it isn't a dirtball move.


Current Name, Real Salt Lake: Yes, we've heard of Real Madrid also. Did everyone in this league just pick their favorite European soccer team and copy their name?
New Name, Real FC Salt Lake United Milan: They might as well go all the way and rip off multiple teams at the same time. Isn't polygamy cool in Utah?


Current Name, Chivas USA: This name does not give me the information I require. Where is Chivas USA? Where do they play their games? I don't even know what state this team is out of. A little help here?
New Name: Anything that indicates where the hell this team is from.

Why Day 2 of the Draft is Better than Day 1: NO CHRIS BERMAN

Seriously, Shut the F Up

Like a lot of folks out there, I look forward to the NFL Draft each year. I'm a football junkie. I can't get enough, and I love watching day two almost as much as day one. That was...until now. Now, I would prefer to watch all of day two from start-to-finish back-to-back instead of being subjected to more than 10 minutes of day one. It's all for one reason and one reason only. Chris Berman.

Without belaboring the point, Berman has become simply unwatchable. He offers absolutely nothing of value to the telecast, except maybe to pretend "fans" for whom he delivers some sort of dumbed-down entertainment? If there are people out there who still enjoy Chris Berman, there's a very strong probability that I would thoroughly dislike those people.

Just why is Berman sl awful? Most importantly, he provides no insight that anyone who is a devoted football fan could not replicate. Not one thing that came out of his mouth over the interminable day one telecast made me stop and say "oh, that's interesting...I hadn't thought of that." Not a single comment. Second, is his horrendous schtick. Apparently, it was once popular, for 12-year old boys watching NFL Primetime. However, it falls horribly flat on day one of the draft when real fans are looking for information and not catch phrases and embarrassingly bad plays on words.

The perfect example came when the Pats selected Jarod Mayo with the #10 pick. After five minutes of analysis, Berman dropped it. Like an overanxious, below-average stand-up comic, Berman was as giddy as a school boy when he let out that next year we'll be talking about whether opposing teams are "holding the mayo" against the New England linebacker. Really? No, really!? Are you f-in kidding me, Berman? YOU ARE HORRENDOUS.

The rest of the commentator crew granted "Boomer" a commendable reaction. Crickets. Exactly what was deserved for the equivalent of a third-grader joke delivered with the equivalent degree of excitement of a child who thought that he "had a great one."

Aside from that, Berman came off as the generally annoying, condescending prick he apparently is in "real life." Fortunately, lovers of the draft could take solace in the infinite wisdom of Keyshawn Johnson (/ears bleeding profusely).

I never thought I'd be so happy to see Trey Wingo and Cris Carter. The difference in listening pleasure is infinite.

Hey, ESPN, it's time to graciously end the Chris Berman era. And while you're at it, just give Keyshawn the damn boot.

Inside an NFL War Room!

Who hasn't wanted to be a fly on the wall in a NFL War Room during draft preperations? Thanks to Clevelandbrowns.com, all of our dreams come true and we are able to go inside the Browns war room. It's probably the most exciting video I've ever seen in my life. Buckle your seatbelts and click here if you are ready for the excitement. It really doesn't get any better than that.

Jets Fans Brace Themselves for Draft Weekend, Scarred by Past Horrors

Two Great Tastes That Taste Awful Together

Kyle Brady...Johnny Mitchell...Blair Thomas...Roger Vick...Ken O'Brien...Dewayne Robertson. The list is long and undistinguished. Rattle off the names to the casual NFL fan, and they likely will not register as anything more than a random listing of mediocre NFL players.

But, to a Jets fan, one need only mention one of these men and a sharp pain begins to reverberate from deep in our souls. With each subsequent name, the agony grows more acute, as if we were a voodoo doll getting jabbed by a razor-sharp ice pick...Brady (Ow!)...Mitchell (Ugh!)...Thomas (oh, please stop!).

For most, the weekend of the NFL Draft is a day of excitement...of rapt wonder...of nervous anticipation...of hope. For JetNation, it is a day of dread. One might think that the specter of a the #6 overall pick, coupled with a busy offseason filled with free agent signings and the "action" Jets fans were clamoring for, would calm our respective nerves. One would be wrong.

Instead, the looming sense of dread is stronger than ever. Why you might ask? If Gholston is around, you add an ideal piece to the 3-4 who just flat out looks like a bad-ass mofo. Should the Jets select Darren McFadden, I won't be particularly upset either. Is it their biggest need? Probably not. But it's been way too long since the Jets have had an offensive game-breaker of any sort that opposing defenses needed to game plan against. It's hard to pass up the opportunity to snatch a guy who weighs 215 and ran a 4.27 40.

Should things get wacky, neither Dorsey, Long or even Matt Ryan would be a completely baseless pick. And that's what makes this 2008 NFL Draft more frightening than any Jets draft in recently memory. It seems like they can't possibly make a bad move considering their position and likely candidates. This is precisely when the Jets have surprised us in the past.

When we say "surprise," this is not the good kind. This is not the little kid heading into Chuck E. Cheese and "surprise!" all your friends are there for your birthday pizza party.

Instead, it's the kind of you-gotta-be-f-in-kidding-me surprise of...well...just watch and you'll get it. Let's see if I can sleep tonight.

Wizzzzz Fans, Are You Crapping Me?

The Rally Monkey Wasn't In DC For Game 3, Probable For Game 4

Unfortunately, I was on hand at the "Phone Booth" tonight to see the Cavs get their asses handed to them by the Wizards. Maybe it was watching the Cavs run around like the entire team rented a limo and did two shots at every one of the 2 1/2 State Area Clyde's locations before the game, but listening to the Wiz "fans" during the debacle really raised my ire tonight.

I've been patient with local teams since I've lived in the area, and I'll admit that Skins fans are the real deal. Listen to a couple of hours of DC talk radio, whether it be Riggo, Bram Weinsteinnnnnnn, Doc Walker, or the incomparable Steve Czaban, you'll get tons of bonkers Redskins talk. This is a good thing. The loyalty of a fan base is directly proportional to the insanity of its local sports talk radio callers.

Beyond the Skins, though, the town is a joke pro sports-wise (there are a lot of college sports fans here, but the only legit ones are the Terps fans). When I go to a Nats game, I'm proud if I see fans squabbling about who should be the 5th starter, because it's a rare display of baseball acumen. Granted the city just got baseball back a few years ago, and the team has sucked since they've been back, but the Nats crowd can't even provide a home field advantage. The Mets are in town and multiple friends who went to last night's game reported that the Mets fans were much louder than the Nats fans. Shea away from Shea (heaven for Cecilio's Scribe). I'd have to imagine that it's no better when the Phillies are in town.

The Caps have one of the two potential saviors for the NHL in Alexander Ovechkin, and they even made it to the playoffs this year. But, Washington DC and hockey? It just doesn't mix. Caps fans are surprisingly strong, but I wouldn't be shocked if the Flyers faithful overtook the Caps fans in the Phone Booth during the recent 1st round series (excruciating double OT loss for the Caps in game 7). Just last year I went to a Sabres/Caps game in said arena, and the Sabres fans overwhelmed the hometown crowd. And to my knowledge, unless they're headed to Toronto, Rochester, Cheektowaga, or Pittsburgh, Sabres fans don't travel all that well.

Then, there are the Wizards. First of all, I hate the lame, politically correct nickname Wizards (although I would have been okay with it if Walt Williams had been the face of the franchise). Never really bought into the Bullets contributing to DC's murder rate. But, I've attended many Wiz games since I've lived in the area. Every regular season game I've ever been to was sparsely attended. Everyone in the crowd shot the sh** until about 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter. The apathy was actually a little depressing. I even hit up a playoff game two years ago (the first time the Cavs took the Wiz out of the playoffs) and it was more of the same.

So, you could imagine my shock when I walked into a sold out Phone Booth tonight. Not only was it actually sold out, but everyone was wearing white, copying off of Penn State and creating a white out (brought to you by Geico). Here's what killed me, though. These numbnut, don't give a crap about anything that isn't the Redskins "fans," were booing LeBron every time he touched the ball. Of course, the biggest boos came when the scoreboard directed the crowd to do so. Here's a lesson for you Wiz fans, boo the hell out of guys like Bill Laimbeer, guys that are dirty cheap shot artists. I could see booing a flopper like Varejao or the Spurs Ginobili, but a stud like LeBron? Bush league. You should probably sit back and enjoy the ride, you can tell your kids about this. But, the scoreboard wasn't telling you not to boo a great player, so I can see how you might not have been able to figure it out. When the scoreboard said to boo, you did so. Congrats. I hope the Rally Monkey shows up to the next game.

Luscious Linkage

Pleasant Thursday, LCG faithful. As we get our bearings, here's some of the hard core reporting which makes us such ardent supporters of dis here blogosphere.

Sam Keller, Thrower of TDs, Scorer of Ladies
The always-fabulous folks at Busted Coverage, share some splendid photos of former Sun Devil and Huskers quarterback Sam Keller (including left; Sam's gal on right). Apparently, Mr. Keller can stay busy with his harem should he fail to get selected in this weekend's NFL Draft. Side note: our favorite photo has to be the aerial shot of Keller in bed with his lady. At least he's not into himself, which is nice...

A Tony Romo Ballad from His Mexican Grandparents
Here's a great clip from You Been Blinded. We can't understand more than a few words as we don't habla Espanol particularly well. But, as YBB relates, they clearly are quite proud of their grandson. Ran-dom.

It's the Calendar We've All Been Waiting For...Oregon...LINEMAN!
Every Day Should be Saturday is up to its normal excellence bringing the world the fabulous offensive lineman of the Oregon Ducks in stunning portraits. Sometimes pictures truly are worth a thousand words.

T.O. and Porn Film...But What About Matt Leinart?
Deadspin reports on the mysterious disappearance of Terrell Owens from a promotion from BangBros.com sure-to-be-a-classic "Spring Break Ass." The more important question? Why does nobody seem to care that Matt Leinart is at the wheel of the jeep?

Gnome Power Fuels Dodgers
Torre-Schmoree. All Dodgertown needed was a little help from a friendly gnome, as Larry Brown Sports explains.

Things Missing from Ivy League Experience...Sexy Spirit Squads
With Leather reports from Spirit Squad tryouts at UCLA. Just like in Ithaca. {dramatic sigh...}

Back later, all.

Delgado's Bat, Former Standout, Dies at 16

April 23, 2008

New York Mets Baseball Club
Shea Stadium
Flushing, NY 11358

To Whom It May Concern:

It is with our deepest sympathy that we regret to inform you of the death of an important member of your organization. Late yesterday afternoon, after a long and arduous battle against its illness, Carlos Delgado's bat died at a hospital on Chicago's North Side.

As many of you know, Carlos's bat health has slowly declined since his arrival in Queens two years ago. Previously, it had led a long and largely healthy life, producing over 30 home runs and at least 97 RBI every season from 1997-2006.

But early last season things took a turn for the worse. Delgado's bat, usually energetic, vivacious and quick-hitted, seemed lethargic. It lacked that effervescent spirit its teammates and fellow wooden friends in the dugout cubbyholes had come to expect -- and almost rely upon. Quiet and reserved, Delgado's bat no longer was able to keep up with the fast pace and energy of a high fastball. He shied away from any balls that tried to get close to him or "get inside." Carlos's bat was, to use a cliche, a shell of its former self.

Carlos's bat finished 2007 sapped of most of its energy, producing only 24 home runs and 87 RBI, while it limped along to its lowest batting average (.258) in a decade. Despite new medications and a revised winter regimen and treatment schedule, Carlos's bat continued to deteriorate in early 2008.

Perhaps exacerbated by his refusal to try a new experimental form of therapy called "going the other way," the bat's health spiraled perilously out of control over the last few weeks of April manifesting itself in weakness, shortness of breath and only one hit in its last 27 plate appearances.

Hope for Delgado's bat was expressed by Dr. Howard Johnson as late as yesterday morning, but by the afternoon it was clear to even the most casual of observers that it was simply too weak to continue on. Finally, in the top of the eighth inning at Wrigley Field, Carlos Delgado's bat passed away quietly, striking out swinging against third-year Cub Carlos Marmol.

Delgado's bat was sixteen years old. A memorial service will be held on April 24 in Puerto Rico. At time of death, Carlos's bat weighed only 34 ounces and appeared even thinner from the stresses and fatigue of the previous two seasons.

We realize the problems that the bat's passing brings to you and your organization. Please realize that the much broader Mets "family" empathizes with you. It is our collective mission to honor the memory of Carlos's bat. That said, we must, as difficult as it may seem, move on. Time will heal all wounds.

With Our Deepest Sympathy,
The Society for the Preservation of the Mets Season

Isiah to be Paid $18M to Fetch Coffee for Walsh

Let Me Get This Straight...$18M to Do Nothing? I'm IN!

I know I promised to back off of Zeke once this whole soap opera season came to a close. But, c'mon, this organization makes it nearly impossible to keep quiet. And just when you think it can't possibly get any better - it does. With a HT to Mike and Mike in the Morning, we felt obliged to pass along this update on Zeke's new "role" with the New York Knickerbockers.

As you may have heard earlier, Isiah will report directly to Donnie Walsh. This was the first "detail" we heard about his position. Next, we were informed that Isiah, in this esteemed job, would have "no official title" but would provide "meaningful input" to Walsh.

Since those public comments a few days ago, Zeke's responsibilities have come into even clearer focus. In today's New York Daily News, Knicks beat writer Frank Isola reports that, according to a team source, "Thomas has been barred from having any contact with the team as part of his reassignment agreement with Knicks president Donnie Walsk."

OK, so let us recap.

1. Isiah Thomas is fired as coach but Walsh indicates he will remain with the organization due to his tremendous value and ability to contribute to the success of the team and franchise
2. It's revealed that Isiah will report directly to Donnie Walsh
3. Thomas will have "no official" title
4. Zeke is banned from having any contact with the team

So, here's our question? What exactly is Zeke going to do for the Knicks? Our guess, absolutely nothing. While we welcome that concept, some could argue Thomas is getting a pretty decent deal...and we thought Jerome James had a good thing going. Hang out at the Garden every day. Watch some basketball. Maybe occasionally go scout a few players. Oh yes, and of course provide "meaningful input" to Mr. Walsh. As in, "Mr. Walsh, we're out of Splenda, I'd recommend Sweet and Low or Equal as an alternate choice." Perhaps the best-paid secretary in employment history.

Ahhh, Zeke...

"The Secret Past of Miguel Tejada": Who F-in Cares?

I say tom-A-to, you say tom-mah-toe...you say Te-hey-dah, I say Te-ha-dah...

We hate to continue our ESPN rant (it really is SO cliche in blognation), but they often leave us no choice.

Tune in to hear about "the secret past of Miguel Tejada." Really? How about, no? Sometimes, I truly do not understand whether ESPN is just so enamored of itself that the blinders are permanently on, or if they are just plain dumb. Or, perhaps, I'm overestimating the "sporting intelligence" of the typical ESPN viewer. This is quite possible. Maybe a bit of all three?

Long story short, I couldn't give a flying you-know-what about the "secret past" of Miggy. I've already been subjected to 75 replays of that I'm sure was a cutting-edge, groundbreaking E60 interview in which it's revealed that (NO WAY!) Miguel Tejada is actually older than he has claimed (I CAN'T BELIEVE IT). And, what's more, his name is spelled T-E-J-E-D-A (OH, THE HORROR! I FEEL SO MANIPULATED!).

So, wait, a Latin-born Major League baseball player lied about his age claiming he was even younger than he really was? No wonder ESPN is hyping this story so much. Frankly, I'd rather watch the nerd fight club segment. Sounds like fun to watch skinny white dudes getting knocked upside the head with computer keyboards. The first rule of geek club is you do not talk about geek club. Better than debating the "significance" of the fact that Miggy's last name is spelled differently than we thought.

Sometimes ESPN simply drains me. At least I get to listen to Joe Morgan comment on the Mets game tonight (/jabbing myself in eye).

Damn You ESPN and Your Ridiculous McNair Teasers!

Air McNair Should Not Fly into the Hall

In journalism, it's called a "teaser." It's intended to grab your attention and keep you waiting for the big climax. More specifically, it can be defined as:

A television strategy for attracting the audience's attention and holding it over a span of time. Typically a teaser consists of auditory or visual information, or both, providing the viewer a glimpse of what he or she can expect as programing continues. Teasers are used in several types of programming.

ESPN falls within the "several types of programming" category, and SportsCenter is a slave to the teaser. Don't get us wrong, it works. They slowly reveal piece by sexy piece of a story showing you just enough skin that it's impossible to change the channel, despite knowing it's going to take another 35 minutes before the news equivalent of gratuitous nudity.

However, today, what's bothering me is the other kind of teaser strategy ESPN is seemingly employing more frequently. I refer to this as the "are-you-f-in-kidding-me" style teaser. The philosophy behind this type of ESPN tease appears to be to say something so ridiculous that is pisses off the educated fan/viewer to such an extent that they are compelled to continue watching if for no other reason than to have ammunition to later rant on the topic, network or both (see example, uh, this post).

Last night, the tease in question made reference to Steve McNair's retirement and then - hold, hold - one of those leading "is he a Hall of Famer" throw-ins that made me roll my eyes and curse ESPN. Oh yes, and also claim "are-you-f-in-kidding-me." Of course, they had me at Hall. They had me at Hall...

Maybe I should take a closer look at his stats/career, but this is another one of those situations where you know it when you see it regardless of what the numbers say. And Steve McNair is not a Hall of Famer. Very good quarterback in his prime? Sure. Commendable approach to the game and ability to play through injury? Of course. An on-field leader who commanded respect and brought the best out of teammates? I would tend to agree. But, even talking about Canton and McNair is just ESPN sensationalism at its best. Those bastards got me again.

Without spiraling uncontrollably into a thesis statement-length post, here's all you really need to remember. The Professional Hall of Fame honors "individuals who have made outstanding contributions to professional football." Now, if this was Springfield, and we were factoring in his Alcorn State Days, perhaps there would be a little bit more of an argument. But Canton is focused on what you did in the NFL, sideline to sideline. So, when looking at a modern-era quarterback, there's really only one logical thing to do. Compare.

Modern Era: Quarterbacks (23)
Troy Aikman 1989-2000 George Blanda (Also PK) 1949-1958, 1960-1975 Terry Bradshaw 1970-1983 Len Dawson 1957-1975 John Elway 1983-1998 Dan Fouts 1973-1987 Otto Graham 1946-1955 Bob Griese 1967-1980 Sonny Jurgensen 1957-1974 Jim Kelly 1986-1996 Bobby Layne 1948-1962 Dan Marino 1983-1999	Joe Montana 1979-1994 Warren Moon 1984-2000 Joe Namath 1965-1977 Bart Starr 1956-1971 Roger Staubach 1969-1979 Fran Tarkenton 1961-1978 Y.A. Tittle 1948-1964 Johnny Unitas 1956-1973 Norm Van Brocklin 1949-1960 Bob Waterfield 1945-1952 Steve Young 1985-1999

And with that, we hope we never hear about this Steve McNair Hall of Fame nonsense again.

Nerve Wracking Closers --Thanks For Nothing

Whatever you're selling, we'll take 30 Tommy

If you can't tell, a year plus of relying on Joe Borowski to close out games for the beloved Tribe caught up with me this week. The only solace I've found is knowing that I'm not alone. If you're a baseball fan, you've been there. You never feel safe watching any game unless your squad has more than a 3 run lead. Your closer comes in and never gets ahead of hitters. He puts a lot of runners on, and isn't afraid to let a few runs cross the plate. On some nights, you know that there's no way in hell he's closing it out. He eats your soul. Every night the other team knows they have a shot if they keep it close. Bloated save numbers combined with equally bloated ERAs provide the warning signs. And in big games, forget about it.

Joe Borowski isn't the first, and he won't be the last. Here's a list of a few doozies cut out of the Borowski mold, and the teams they closed for. We're sticking to guys who closed for at least full year, and not including terrifying short term experiments like Fausto Carmona (before he was a stud starter, he had a miserable stint as the Indians' closer). This might bring back terrible memories for some, my condolences. Please let us know of any we missed, misery loves company.

Armando Benitez: Mets, Giants, O's, Marlins -- Armando was no soft thrower, but as any Mets, O's or Giants fan can attest, he was a nightmare, especially in the postseason. Baseball Library.com sums him up pretty well. "But though he owned the raw stuff to overpower batters, Benitez struggled to master the mental side of the game and picked the worst moments to suffer meltdowns on the mound." In his career, Benitez has 4 postseason saves, and 6 postseason blown saves. Ouch.

Mitch Williams: Phillies, Cubs -- When your closer's nickname is "The Wild Thing," well, that's not good. Williams managed to be "just wild enough to be effective" until the 1993 World Series (besides when he blew Game 5 of the 1989 NLCS). He got shelled and took the loss in Game 4 against the Blue Jays, and then gave up the famous Series ending home run to Joe Carter in Game 6. You don't bounce back from something like that.

Stan Belinda: Pirates -- If I recall, Belinda was in a closer by committee situation with the Bucos. I've never met a Pirates fan who felt good about things when Belinda entered the game. His most memorable collapse came when he gave up a two run lead (tough situation, though, the bases were juiced with none out when he entered the game) in Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS. The final play involved a hobbling Sid Bream.

Jose Mesa: Indians, M's, Phillies, Pirates -- Joe Table blew game 7 of the 1997 World Series against the Marlins. A little piece of me died that evening. I wasn't shocked though. Joe Table might have saved a ton of games, but it was rarely easy. The dude has a career 4.36 ERA (5.40 in the playoffs), and he was a closer. He's an ex-president of the nibble at the corners club.

Brad Lidge: Astros -- Lidge was dominant in 2004 and 2005, and then came the 2005 playoffs. Lidge went 0-3 with a blown save in the playoffs and gave up walk off homers to Albert Pujols and Scott Podsednik. Scott Podsednik! The same Scott Podsednik who has 27 career home runs in 2,481 at-bats (and I'm pretty sure at least 24 of those were of the inside the park variety). Lidge produced a 32 save season in 2006, but posted a 5.28 ERA. I know he killed you Astros fans that year. He's currently shutting things down for the Phillies.

Mark Wohlers: Braves -- Wohlers was great in 1995, but in the 1996 World Series he gave up a huge 3 run homer to Jim Leyritz, and was never the same. In 1997, he racked up 33 saves, but his 5-7 record tells me that he was anything but automatic. He bottomed out when he posted a 10.13 ERA in 1998.

Byung-Hyun Kim: Red Sox -- In 2002, Kim saved 36 games in low pressure Arizona. Then he went to Boston. Bad things happened, bad things, man.

Mike Fetters: Brewers -- Fetters was the closer for the Brew-crew from 1994-1996. Two of those seasons, he gave up more hits he had innings pitched. That means he absolutely loved putting runners on base, just to freak out the good people in Milwaukee. He was more famous for his pre-pitch routine than his closing ability.

Doug Jones: Indians, Astros, Phillies, Brewers, A's -- Jones pitched a long time (from 1982-2000), and threw a lot of junk. I like junkballers, just not in the bottom of the ninth. Jones managed to keep his ERA down, but in the 14 seasons when he had over 30 appearances, he averaged over a hit per inning pitched 9 times. In comparison, Mariano Rivera has done that zero times.

Jorge Julio: O's, Diamondbacks -- Jorge is currently with the Indians. I'm not happy about this. I can barely watch him pitch the 7th, I can't imagine having to watch him try to close it out. He's only posted an ERA under 4.00 twice in his 7+ year career.

These Links Are Either Off The Hook or Off The Charts

Hello noble readers. I've located some good material from around the blogosphere, and I want to share.

The World of Issac is running a 4 bracket, Dirtiest Name In Sports Tournament. Who doesn't chuckle upon hearing the names Dick Trickle, Chubby Cox, Rusty Kuntz, and David Seaman? Many more great names in the Tournament.

Just in case you didn't get enough Joe Borowski earlier in the week, I Just Wanna Drink Beer And Play Atari lists plenty of Borowski related material (including "An Entire Blog Dedicated To Said Ass Clown")

In light of Miguel Tejada "coming out" and admitting his true age, 100% Injury Rate compiled a list of players who's age magically changed one day over at Fan IQ.

How did Big Poppy feel about being benched because he is mired in a dreadful season opening slump? Duece of Davenport indicates that he didn't take it too well.

Over at mychillpill, new pictures of internet superstar Allison Stokke surfaced. You didn't think I was going to roll out of here without a link to hottie pictures did you?

Poor Lions Fans, here's a game-by-game prediction for the Lions' season from SideLion Report that I found while checking out The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes. I wish I could think of something encouraging to say to you Lions fans right now.

Tirico Suave displayed Hank Steinbrenner's eloquence a couple of days ago. Ned Flanders would say, "give that sailor talk the ole heave ho, Hank."