Fixing Annoying Team Nicknames
Monday, April 28, 2008
What is Rays? A diner? An auto shop? A barbershop? I saw that Tampa Bay is tied for 1st in the AL East, and I wanted to write something nice about them. But then I remembered that changed their names from the Devil Rays to the Rays this year and I just couldn't do it.
There are a lot of teams whose nicknames make a lot of sense. Pittsburgh is the steel city, so hence the Steelers. The New York Islanders play on Long Island. Milwaukee is known for its beer, and their baseball team is appropriately called the Brewers. We like names like these, it's nice when they make sense. Some other teams names don't make as much sense, but it's okay because they are either menacing or kind of cool. As far as we know, there's no correlation between New Jersey and the devil, but the Devils have a good fierce nickname. Who wants to f*** with the devil?
For the most part teams nicknames add something, however, there are some team nicknames that bring nothing to the table. They don't make any sense, they don't sound tough, and they're not even kind of cool. They do nothing but irritate. Why have these names not been changed? Maybe it's because they don't know what to change the names to. We're here to help. Teams with unacceptable nicknames can be broken down into three categories, teams that moved, teams that gave in to political correct bs, and MLS teams. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have their own place in the hall of asinine team names, a place that can't be bound by categories, but don't get me started on them.
Teams That Moved Cities But Kept The Nickname. Listen, a lot of these nicknames can only work in the city they originated. It's bad enough to steal a franchise, don't steal the nickname too. Could the 76'ers play in Phoenix? Would the 49'ers make sense anywhere but San Francisco?
Current Name, Utah Jazz: It made perfect sense when they were in New Orleans. Tons of Jazz in the Big Easy. I'm not sure they even know what Jazz is in Utah.
New Name, Utah Salt: This name isn't very tough, but it references The Great Salt Lake and it gives a more accurate portrayal of Utah's racial makeup.
Current Name, Los Angeles Lakers: Tons of lakes in Minnesota, somewhere on the upward of 10,000 I'm told. In LA? Not quite as many.
New Name, Los Angeles Gangstas: Is L.A. know more for its gangstas or its lakes? The bonus here is the merchandising. Gangsta gear would fly off the shelves.
Current Name, Memphis Grizzlies: It made sense in Vancouver. I've never been, but I'm sure there are tons of grizzly bears running around there. A grizzly bear would stand out in Memphis.
New Name, Memphis Miracles: It rolls off the tongue, and it captures the spirit of the team. It would take a miracle if that team was ever any good.
Teams That Gave In To Political Correctness: A team's nickname is its image. You can't go changing it just because it offends a few people. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
Current Name, Washington Wizards: There are no wizards in DC. Did The Bullets really have that terrible an affect on the city? I'm sure all of D.C.'s crime woes are rooted in the former name of their basketball team. In fact since the name change, the streets of D.C. are the safest in the world. The Bullets made so much more sense for Washington than the Wizards do.
New Name, Washington Jeffersons: Hey it's the Presidential city. They love Thomas Jefferson in these parts. Plus, hours of promotional material taken from "The Jeffersons" would be classic.
Current Name, Tampa Bay Rays: Was Devil Rays so bad? Has there been a rise in satanic cults in Tampa Bay? Aren't they now obligated to have at least 5 guys named Ray on their roster at all times?
New Name, Tampa Bay Rascals: I don't know about you, but when I think of Tampa Bay two things come to mind, strip clubs and old people. If they can't handle a name with Devil in it, then I don't think they'll buy into a strip club related name. But rascals would be perfect for the elderly. They could have rascal give aways at games.
Current Name, Stanford Cardinal: Until 1972 they were the Stanford Indians, not bad. Now they are the Cardinal and their mascot is a tree.
New Name, Stanford Hippie Beaters: What better way to rise the ire of their rivals across the Bay in Berkley? That'll get the lefties at Cal buzzing.
Current Name, Miami (OH) RedHawks: They were the Redskins for over 60 years, but folded when the Miami Tribe urged them to change their name.
New Name, Miami (OH) Hurrikane: Just like their counterparts in Florida, but with a 'k' instead of a 'c.' They could do it just to confuse the crap out of everybody.
MLS Teams: MLS teams get their own category because they blatantly rip off names from well known soccer teams across the pond.
Current Name, DC United: You are ripping off the name of one of the most popular soccer teams in the world, Manchester United. This is crap. How would we feel about The Berlin Yankees or the Madrid Red Sox?
New Name, DC Scandals: It makes sense. They could have promotions involved getting serviced by interns or in airport men's rooms.
Current Name, FC Dallas: You are not FC Barcelona. We call it soccer here, so you're not even really a FC (and that goes for you to, Toronto FC) at all. You're more of a SC.
New Name, Dallas Floppers: Soccer players flop and I'm cool with it. It's part of the fabric of the game. But I'll be damned if it isn't a dirtball move.
Current Name, Real Salt Lake: Yes, we've heard of Real Madrid also. Did everyone in this league just pick their favorite European soccer team and copy their name?
New Name, Real FC Salt Lake United Milan: They might as well go all the way and rip off multiple teams at the same time. Isn't polygamy cool in Utah?
Current Name, Chivas USA: This name does not give me the information I require. Where is Chivas USA? Where do they play their games? I don't even know what state this team is out of. A little help here?
New Name: Anything that indicates where the hell this team is from.
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5 comments:
ha - nicely done!
reminds me of a similar thing i wrote up recently. seattle sonic, not devil ray-fueled though:
http://sportstsar.com/2008/03/25/whats-in-a-franchise-name/
George
George, nice work yourself.
I'd love to see a return of the New Orleans Jazz
I'm a Flyers fan and heckling Devil's fans actually taught me there is a connection between Jersey and Devil. I heckle for knowledge.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jersey_Devil
The Jersey Devil, who knew?
That should be a lesson to all of us. Heckling=knowledge. I'm for knowledge and I'm for heckling.
Long before MLS teams were ripping off team names there was the Nippon Professional Baseball League of Japan. The NPB sports such proud team names as Hanshin Tigers, Yomiuri Giants, Nishi Nippon Pirates. In the Shikoku-Kyūshū Island League they have your Tokushima "Indigo Socks", and Ehime Mandarin Pirates. Thanks wikipedia...
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