DL Least Of Borowski's Concerns

Cleveland, April 15, 2008 -- Indians closer Joe Borowski was placed on the disabled list with a strained right triceps today, following a blown save against the Boston Red Sox. The Legend of Cecilio Guante has learned that a strained triceps muscle might be the least of Borowski's concerns, though. A leading Cleveland law enforcement official says that evidence has surfaced linking Borowski to hundreds of mysterious, unsolved deaths throughout Northeastern Ohio.

Police Chief Wahoo was willing to speak to us, but didn't want too many facts of his investigation to slip out to the public. Chief Wahoo indicated that since since April of 2007, a fear has gripped the city of Cleveland and all of Northeastern Ohio. Throughout this time, there have been hundreds of unsolved deaths in the area. The Chief said, "it's always the same crime scene, a man between 18-80 sitting at home in front of his television, and we get there to find that his heart has exploded. Paramedics report that the Indians post game show was on the tv when they arrived on the scene in 95% of the cases. We thought it was some bizarre, supernatural s**t."

Police won't reveal how they connected Borowski to the case, but it's believed that statistical analysis played a large part. The numbers indicate that 100% of the mysterious heart explosions took place on nights when Borowski took the mound. It is also believed that the sudden overcrowding of Northeastern Ohio psychiatric wards might somehow be linked to Borowski.

"Right now with Joe on the DL, we're going to take a hard look to see if, as anticipated, the instances of these mysterious deaths slow down or come to a complete halt," said Chief Wahoo, who indicated that the authorities will also keep their eyes on the numbers in area insane asylums. The Chief thought that chances were "pretty good," that a significant drop in the number of cases of insanity would result from the DL stint.

Borowski, 36, has been described as "much-maligned," "embattled," and "struggling" by media outlets. He led the AL in saves last year, but has a penchant for putting runners on base and giving up runs before eventually closing the door, or leaving it wide open. His 45 saves came with a 5.07 ERA and 8 blown saves last year. This season, Borowski has 2 saves, 2 blown saves, and and ERA of 18.00.

Right now, police officials aren't sure what charges if any can be brought against Borowski. Legend staffer, Erie's Scribe, is a huge Tribe fan and was available for comment. "My heart has nearly exploded 25 times since Borowski (whom he would only refer to as 'the Polish Jose Mesa') took over the closer's roll," ES said, "I feel great relief today." ES then went on a 20 minute, profanity laced tirade about Borowski, the Red Sox, the ALCS, Manny, Progressive Field, crop circles, and Rocky Colavito.