Seven Things That Could Have Made Four And A Half Hours of Testimony Fun
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Senator Blutowski?If things had gone our way, Wednesday's four and a half hours of Rocket-Man goes to Capitol Hill would have been more entertaining. Why can't the Capitol be in Hollywood? If one of the following scenarios had taken place, it would have been Miller Time a little bit early.
1. Animal House - When Roger Clemens took his seat, a robust round of Animal House style "cheater" or "roid-head" coughs. This would be followed by Rep. Tom Davis leaning over and explaing to Chairman Waxman what was being said.
2. Pitcher/Ump Confrontation - If Chairman Waxman had come down from behind the podium and he and Clemens started jawing at each other, nose to nose. You'd have to imagine that spit would have been flying, and Clemens either decks Waxman, or Waxman tosses Clemens like an ump would. You're gone, pal!
3. Code Red - Things get intense and Clemens can't handle it anymore. He jumps up on the table unprovoked, and starts going Jack in A Few Good Men. "You can't handle.... Yes! Yes that man sitting right there stuck needles full of steriods in my butt! I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong American Hero!"
4. A Touching Moment - A scene like out of We Are Marshall, when the entire student body chants outside of the window, except instead of We Are Marshall: You're an Asshole; You're An Asshole...
5. Uncontrollable Farting - It doesn't matter who is farting up a storm, as long as the people around the offending party are on camera and reacting.
6. Don't Call Me Here! - Brian McNamee's cell phone rings during his testimony. He opens it and some chick on the other end is asking for all sorts of drugs for a bachleorette party. To McNamee's dismay, he accidentally puts her on speakerphone while he's fidgeting around. Hilarity ensues.
7. Andy Pacino, er Pettitte - Right when things are wrapping up, and everybody realizes that we're no closer to the truth now than we were before..... Andy Pettitte stumbles into the room with shades and a cane a la Scent of A Woman's, Col. Frank Slade:
2. Pitcher/Ump Confrontation - If Chairman Waxman had come down from behind the podium and he and Clemens started jawing at each other, nose to nose. You'd have to imagine that spit would have been flying, and Clemens either decks Waxman, or Waxman tosses Clemens like an ump would. You're gone, pal!
3. Code Red - Things get intense and Clemens can't handle it anymore. He jumps up on the table unprovoked, and starts going Jack in A Few Good Men. "You can't handle.... Yes! Yes that man sitting right there stuck needles full of steriods in my butt! I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong American Hero!"
4. A Touching Moment - A scene like out of We Are Marshall, when the entire student body chants outside of the window, except instead of We Are Marshall: You're an Asshole; You're An Asshole...
5. Uncontrollable Farting - It doesn't matter who is farting up a storm, as long as the people around the offending party are on camera and reacting.
6. Don't Call Me Here! - Brian McNamee's cell phone rings during his testimony. He opens it and some chick on the other end is asking for all sorts of drugs for a bachleorette party. To McNamee's dismay, he accidentally puts her on speakerphone while he's fidgeting around. Hilarity ensues.
7. Andy Pacino, er Pettitte - Right when things are wrapping up, and everybody realizes that we're no closer to the truth now than we were before..... Andy Pettitte stumbles into the room with shades and a cane a la Scent of A Woman's, Col. Frank Slade:
Misremembers, I'll show you misremembers. You don't know what misremembers is, Mr. Clemens. I'd show you, but I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too f***in' old. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to your place! Misremembers? Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? I've pitched in the majors for 12 years. There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off in the bleachers of Yankee Stadium. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no HGH for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are... executin' his soul! And why? Because he's not an American Hero, American Hero. You hurt this boy, you're gonna be roid bums, the lot of ya. And Roger, Brian, Henry, wherever you are out there, F-YOU, TOO!
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